October 4th - An Alternate Ending ll ShinjiroxReader
by Lunaveon
Summary: In which the reader threw herself in front of the second bullet. Angsty Shinjiro thoughts afterward. Rated the way it is for Shinji's language.


Sometimes he wonders that if he hadn't allowed her to get so close to him, hadn't allowed her to love him the same way he loved her…he wonders if she'd still be here.

Akihiko told him that the moment she learned he was in trouble she ran, ran and left the battle _(like a moron, an idiot, she was stupid but he would have done the same)_ to go and…and do what? What had she thought she could do?

Save him. Save him like she saved _everyone_ else, like she carried the weight of the world on her small shoulders.

He had no idea that she had.

He could still remember it clearly. Could remember her outraged – had she sounded sad or scared instead? Maybe he didn't remember it quite as clearly as he had thought – scream as she saw the blood from the first bullet wound. It had been in his shoulder – painful, but not life threatening. Amada had broken down into sobs the moment he saw her, and now he knew that it was because everyone relied on her so heavily to make things right.

She'd run to his side, ignoring his angry shouts at her to leave, to get out of danger, because damn it _why_ had she come, he may not be able to go through with this if she had come –

And then the man who called himself Takaya had raised his gun and pointed it at Amada.

The action was without thought, without hesitation. He wrapped himself around Amada's body, not even stopping to realize that _she_ would never stay out of danger like she should.

The gun shot had rang out, Takaya's words following – _"Such a pity…she was interesting."_ – and Shinjiro's world had momentarily frozen.

He was fine. Amada was fine. She was not.

She took the shot without a yell, just a soft gasp of realization as it buried itself in her chest and she dropped to the ground.

She had stepped in front of him. She had protected him, shielded him, _saved_ him. And he hated her for it. He hated how she smiled sweetly up at him – blood was dripping from the corner of her mouth, he remembered that – and murmured something that sounded like "not yet." He had no idea what she was talking about, or why it had seemed like in that moment she had been looking at and talking to someone else.

The next part he can only remember because of his nightmares.

He grabbed her, held her to his chest and screamed. Amada was too far gone in his own screaming and sobbing to even notice the painful sounds the older male was making. But this came after. After her words, after her whispered promises to Ken that he didn't need revenge, that Shinjiro had been punished enough, after she pressed a kiss to Shinjiro's hand – it was bloody from her lips, but he didn't care and bent down to give her an actual kiss, ignoring the taste of iron – after she whispered the three words he never got to tell her back. After she smiled up at him and told him to take care of the others, take care of himself, and after her soft laugh when she said she didn't have enough time to say everything she wanted to say.

After her eyes dulled and her head fell towards him, and after the tight grip of her hand on his loosened and hung only by his own tight grip.

Then he screamed. It was a rough, harsh scream, the scream of a man who had lost utterly everything in his life, the scream of a man whose love had been taken unjustly. Castor echoed his scream by raging inside, angered at the loss of another. For some reason Shinjiro had no reason to identify, his Persona made no move to try and take control of his body during that moment.

After the scream came sobs – harsh, tearless, wracking things that shook his shoulders and tore at his throat as he clutched her to him, bloodied his hands and clothes and _he didn't give a shit_ he just wanted her to breathe and open her eyes.

He didn't give a shit when the others arrived either, didn't care if they saw him being emotional or broken. Didn't give any notice to Junpei's ragged cry of her name as he dropped to his knees, didn't glance at any of the girls as tears dotted their cheeks or gasps left their mouths.

He did notice when Akihiko knelt beside him with tears brightening his own silver eyes, definitely noticed when he murmured in a broken voice "You have to let go of her".

Who the fuck was Aki to tell him when to let go?

And he definitely fucking remembered when the silver-haired teen had the audacity to try and remove his hands from her body.

The others had gathered Ken up at and left, and it was probably for this exact reason that Shinjiro let Akihiko pry his hands away from her, why he grabbed Aki and held him almost painfully tight.

Why he cried into his shoulder until it was wet with tears of grief and anguish and guilt and regret, until his throat was sore and bleeding. He'd never thanked Aki for the way he had held him back that night, how his hands had pressed on Shinjiro's back and neck and anchored him to reality. He knew he didn't need to.

It took him a month after he got out of the hospital – _a goddamned month, she deserved better_ – to visit her gravesite, and of all people it was Junpei who dragged him there. He'd known the boy had been her best friend, but he hadn't exactly realized what 'friend' had meant to her before. He didn't try to conceal the tears that slipped down his face as he stared at her engraved name, didn't even bother to cram his freezing hands into his pockets. He had no energy to move them. Junpei made no comment about Shinjiro's crack in emotions, most likely because he was biting his own lip hard enough to draw blood to keep from crying. Again.

He still woke up screaming from nightmares about her death. Mitsuru had assured him that this was normal, and none of the younger SEES members seemed to think less of him for it. Yukari even admitted to crying herself to sleep occasionally.

Whenever he did wake up screaming, Akihiko was there, spouting nonsense about how Shinjiro 'had been there for him when Miki died' and how he was doing the same. After the first few times Aki finally stopped mentioning Miki, choosing to either let Shinjiro cry on him or sit quietly as the brunette tried to stop gasping for breath and sleep.

He had no interest in finishing school, not now that she was gone. He started showing up because it was something he could do, something he could mindlessly go through and not put effort into. He got high grades effortlessly – he'd always been able to retain information well – and became a sort of legend among the students. The 'bad boy' who had graduated despite missing over half the year. The guy who was somehow disinterested in anything and yet drew girls to him. The poor man who had never gotten over his girlfriend's death.

Neither Akihiko nor Mitsuru said anything, but they were relieved he had started going to school again. He could tell.

Just like he could tell how ecstatic those in the dormitory were to hear he was quitting the suppressants. There was no telling if they would still claim his life or not, but he had to admit that he had started feeling a lot better – after the initial drug withdrawal disappeared – and stopped coughing up blood. Castor had gotten more subdued since her passing as well – Shinjiro wasn't sure if it had been her odd ability to communicate with Persona's that had drawn Castor to her, or if the Persona had just finally decided his master had been dealt enough punishment.

He had promised to live his life for her, since she had given up hers for him. But it was just so damn hard sometimes.

October 4th had been the day she died. Mitsuru had somehow gotten her funeral planned and orchestrated the next day. He'd stood in the back of the school as he watched each student place a flower in front of a picture of her. Watched as Junpei and Yukari tried not to cry as they placed their own flowers down, heard the murmured shock as Yukari threw herself at Junpei as soon as the two were offstage and they both broke down in each other's arms. Mitsuru managed to keep her composure, the slight tremble of her lip the only off-set. And Akihiko…the moron. He had visible tear tracks on his face – were they actual tears? Shinjiro couldn't tell from where he was standing – but had a small, sad smile on his face the entire time. And the damn idiot could pull the look off too.

He'd thought to run off before the ceremony was over, but he found himself staying until everyone had left, found himself listening to Mitsuru convince the Principal to let Shinjiro – someone who wasn't a student – go up and say his final farewells. He couldn't deny her the right.

He stood there for a full five minutes, just staring at her picture. He recognized it – Junpei had taken it one day in the dorm. He knew that if there had been a bigger picture he'd be seated next to her, and her hand would be in his. Junpei had taken it because she had been 'smiling too cutely to resist'. He had no idea what to say to her, what he was supposed to say or could say.

He knew Mitsuru was waiting for him to finish in the back somewhere. A silent clock ticking down his chances to say something.

"You were stupid for taking the bullet." The words were soft, but his voice was deep and it carried more than he liked. He didn't like the crack in his voice, either. "Stupid for saving a life when yours was more important. …Fuck..This isn't how it should be. You shouldn't be dead..!"

Stop. Breathe. Don't cry, not now. Finish talking, hold it together until you get home, or hell, get onto an empty street.

"..I'm going to try to fix this life you saved. It wasn't worth saving then, but I'll make sure your sacrifice doesn't go to waste."

What else to say. Say something else. Keep talking, because then you won't have to face reality.

"I never told you… You… _Shit_..You told me so many times that you loved me. I – I never said it back. I think you knew, but I never said it. Just hoped you would have got it somehow, anyway."

He knew she had. He hoped she had. She always seemed to understand when she'd murmur it out in the bedroom and he'd kiss her back.

"…So, I have to go, now. I'm not a student here, so I can't stay."

He'd become a student.

"And I have to get rid of those suppressants that you hated."

He'd clean up.

"But..you deserve more from me. So…so you should know."

He'd make her proud of him.

"You should know that I always loved you."


End file.
